Dr Adaeze Ifezulike

Dr Adaeze Ifezulike

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Bukola Fash: On men, marriage and sex.


Bukola : Before
Bukola : Before
Bukola: AFTER. Sexual wellbeing network.
Bukola: NOW.

We have been friends for a while and I love the comments she makes on relationships. We got talking and before long we went into a full blown interview on relationships. Below are excerpts from the interview.

On Infidelity: As far as I am concerned, this is an act that results from believing you have another shoulder to lean on apart from your spouse.
It doesn’t have to be sexual, can be emotional. You simply use the person to replace your spouse. But marriage should mean you are there for each other.

Many get carried away into infidelity. Sometimes they don’t know why. They are not even able to define what happened. After some months or years in marriage, women get carried away with chores, children and work. Our lives are full of sacrifices and we unfortunately can neglect the man of the house. You feel that your children need you more than the man. He can take care of himself. The woman is caught at the centre. Many women don’t have time for themselves.  She finds she is doing every thing herself, including coping with children. She has no time to sit under the dryer to beautify herself. Meanwhile the girls outside have plenty time to beautify themselves.
Women also complain a lot about the help the man is trying to give them. Eventually the man gives up and leaves her to it.
Infidelity is so common now, 9/10 marriages are marked with infidelity in my opinion -I may be wrong. In my business, my clients are women and they talk to me about these things. Unfortunately, some men take good care of the home front so you don’t suspect them. A man used to come to my office, a CEO,  and if he cant make it home by 6pm, he will be phoning his wife to explain. He looked like the ideal husband. Yet he wanted to date me. He saw dating me as a game.

My husband doesn’t joke with anything to do with me but I cannot close my eyes and think he is a saint. Many men are polygamous by nature.
For them, it is a very interesting game. Men prefer to date married women because they are not too ambitious, they are not pushing for marriage.

Infidelity in women: A woman will only go out if she is not getting enough attention at home. We tend to take each other for granted. The married men go the extra length for the girls outside. The best man-friend is usually the worst husband.
I know men who will sit down while waiting for the girlfriend to chose a style but the married man will be hurrying the woman up. He will be restless. The men forget that a woman needs attention too.  I like being toasted by men, I enjoy it. A man should never underestimate his wife. As he is busy neglecting her, someone else is busy ‘eyeing’ her.

If I catch my husband cheating: I can cope. The only thing that will make me leave is if he is beating me. You have to insist he uses condoms in that scenario.
Don’t move out! Stay put. If you move out, she will move in.

Impact of Social media on relationships:
Many men will put their wives’ pictures on face book and yet be cheating on them.
Social media has worsened relationship problems. Now you can send your boobs picture to the UK or anywhere else in the world by fb messenger, unlike before when distance was a deterrent.

Women and financial independence: A woman needs to be financially independent otherwise this can affect her self esteem. You have to depend on him. You keep begging him, he is your messiah. So if you have no means of income, you are grounded. If you have a good source of income, the possibility is high the man will not leave. I have 3 houses in my name, so my husband cannot just get up and leave me because there is so much at stake.

I will not be stranded if my husband leaves me. I tell my husband, if you lose me, its your loss. I build things in my name. I don’t do joint account because I didn’t see it in the bible. I have a name. I do things in my name. I carry him along. He helps me bring surveyors etc. If your man cannot stand that, you can build in the name of your children. Don’t submit to Mr and Mrs so and so…because anyone can become Mrs so and so tomorrow.

There’s place for prayer, there’s place for action. With prayers all things are possible.
If he doesn’t attend church or have any faith, don’t nag about it. Invite him to programs that may benefit your relationships and don’t give him long stories about what you saw in church. You can summarise and then move on to other things. He is taking it in.

If the woman loves the man, she will have to repackage herself as well as pray. She will gain her self confidence back, will gain the man back. She will attract other men and with that, the man can come back if he sees other people running after his wife.
Looking good/re-branding doesn’t affect the man directly. It makes the woman more confident and happy. She may decline the advances from other men because deep down she loves her husband and wants him back. Let your husband see you as a super hot babe.

What can a woman do when communicate breaks down? She has to ask at the right time. Look for the right time. I know my husband loves me but may not talk to me for days because he is trying to push home his point. I am quick to say sorry because he is my husband. In marriage there is no plan B. We have to work to make it happen. Its not meant for the faint hearted.

Some women are very emotional. They are usually in marriages that are still less than 10 years. Its a phase every one passes through in marriage. You fight over a lot of unnecessary things. But after 10 years you already know what he is likely to say, the pressure at home gets down. The man also calms down. He realises that he is older and stays around the wife more now.

BUKOLA FASH is the owner of EXQsit Garments. Looking for a dress for your special occasion? Contact her on +2348023120057.