Bukola Fash: On men, marriage and sex.

Bukola : Before

Bukola : Before

Bukola: AFTER. Sexual wellbeing network.

Bukola: NOW.

We have been friends for a while and I love the comments she makes on relationships. We got talking and before long we went into a full blown interview on relationships. Below are excerpts from the interview.

On Infidelity: As far as I am concerned, this is an act that results from believing you have another shoulder to lean on apart from your spouse.
It doesn’t have to be sexual, can be emotional. You simply use the person to replace your spouse. But marriage should mean you are there for each other.

Many get carried away into infidelity. Sometimes they don’t know why. They are not even able to define what happened. After some months or years in marriage, women get carried away with chores, children and work. Our lives are full of sacrifices and we unfortunately can neglect the man of the house. You feel that your children need you more than the man. He can take care of himself. The woman is caught at the centre. Many women don’t have time for themselves.  She finds she is doing every thing herself, including coping with children. She has no time to sit under the dryer to beautify herself. Meanwhile the girls outside have plenty time to beautify themselves.
Women also complain a lot about the help the man is trying to give them. Eventually the man gives up and leaves her to it.
Infidelity is so common now, 9/10 marriages are marked with infidelity in my opinion -I may be wrong. In my business, my clients are women and they talk to me about these things. Unfortunately, some men take good care of the home front so you don’t suspect them. A man used to come to my office, a CEO,  and if he cant make it home by 6pm, he will be phoning his wife to explain. He looked like the ideal husband. Yet he wanted to date me. He saw dating me as a game.

My husband doesn’t joke with anything to do with me but I cannot close my eyes and think he is a saint. Many men are polygamous by nature.
For them, it is a very interesting game. Men prefer to date married women because they are not too ambitious, they are not pushing for marriage.

Infidelity in women: A woman will only go out if she is not getting enough attention at home. We tend to take each other for granted. The married men go the extra length for the girls outside. The best man-friend is usually the worst husband.
I know men who will sit down while waiting for the girlfriend to chose a style but the married man will be hurrying the woman up. He will be restless. The men forget that a woman needs attention too.  I like being toasted by men, I enjoy it. A man should never underestimate his wife. As he is busy neglecting her, someone else is busy ‘eyeing’ her.

If I catch my husband cheating: I can cope. The only thing that will make me leave is if he is beating me. You have to insist he uses condoms in that scenario.
Don’t move out! Stay put. If you move out, she will move in.

Impact of Social media on relationships:
Many men will put their wives’ pictures on face book and yet be cheating on them.
Social media has worsened relationship problems. Now you can send your boobs picture to the UK or anywhere else in the world by fb messenger, unlike before when distance was a deterrent.

Women and financial independence: A woman needs to be financially independent otherwise this can affect her self esteem. You have to depend on him. You keep begging him, he is your messiah. So if you have no means of income, you are grounded. If you have a good source of income, the possibility is high the man will not leave. I have 3 houses in my name, so my husband cannot just get up and leave me because there is so much at stake.

I will not be stranded if my husband leaves me. I tell my husband, if you lose me, its your loss. I build things in my name. I don’t do joint account because I didn’t see it in the bible. I have a name. I do things in my name. I carry him along. He helps me bring surveyors etc. If your man cannot stand that, you can build in the name of your children. Don’t submit to Mr and Mrs so and so…because anyone can become Mrs so and so tomorrow.

There’s place for prayer, there’s place for action. With prayers all things are possible.
If he doesn’t attend church or have any faith, don’t nag about it. Invite him to programs that may benefit your relationships and don’t give him long stories about what you saw in church. You can summarise and then move on to other things. He is taking it in.

If the woman loves the man, she will have to repackage herself as well as pray. She will gain her self confidence back, will gain the man back. She will attract other men and with that, the man can come back if he sees other people running after his wife.
Looking good/re-branding doesn’t affect the man directly. It makes the woman more confident and happy. She may decline the advances from other men because deep down she loves her husband and wants him back. Let your husband see you as a super hot babe.

What can a woman do when communicate breaks down? She has to ask at the right time. Look for the right time. I know my husband loves me but may not talk to me for days because he is trying to push home his point. I am quick to say sorry because he is my husband. In marriage there is no plan B. We have to work to make it happen. Its not meant for the faint hearted.

Some women are very emotional. They are usually in marriages that are still less than 10 years. Its a phase every one passes through in marriage. You fight over a lot of unnecessary things. But after 10 years you already know what he is likely to say, the pressure at home gets down. The man also calms down. He realises that he is older and stays around the wife more now.

BUKOLA FASH is the owner of EXQsit Garments. Looking for a dress for your special occasion? Contact her on +2348023120057.

 

Let’s unlock the mind!

The Assignment: To get started, let’s loosen up. Let’s unlock the mind. Today, take twenty minutes to free write. And don’t think about what you’ll write. Just write.

Clock starts now!

Today is my birthday and I cant help reflecting on the past few months and how things have changed dramatically all around me.

It all started with me changing.

I heard a message by Jim Rohn, the great Speaker and he said ‘If you will just change, everything will change.’

At first it didn’t make any sense to me. How could things change just because I change?

I didn’t particularly feel I needed to change but I did see so many things people around me needed to change 😀

So what he said wasn’t like a sudden flash of revelation, far from it. But somehow, it stuck to me: If I change, everything will change.

So I decided to give it a try. I decided to take some ‘risks.’

I started blogging in September 2013. I have always loved to write so blogging seemed the best way to go. But it was so difficult as I have never been IT savvy. I had to call on my 12 and 13 year old kids to help me several times. They were often like ‘Mum, just do it like this…’ They made it seem so easy! They shook their heads in exasperation when I couldn’t seem to figure out simple things. But once I figured it out, I really started to enjoy it. It was another skill I could boast of. I was not just good at listening to people’s chests or examining their eyes and all the other stuff Family Physicians do, I could now put up an article on the web!! I felt so accomplished. The first day I pushed the publish button had to be my best day ever in a long time.

But with blogging came self disclosure which I wasnt very comfortable about. Putting my opinion on the line is foreign to me. Perhaps because of my ‘sensitivity’. I felt I will be crushed if no one ‘liked’ my post or if they made a terrible comment. But I quickly realised that my focus should be on blessing people with my writing, adding value to lives, helping others.

And I remembered something else Jim Rohn said. He told about Jesus who went out to preach and when he finished, some people thought it was a fantastic message. Others mocked and laughed. Why would anyone laugh and mock at such a reasonable message??

Jim Rohn had it all figured out: Because they are the laughers and the mockers!!

So I know now that every post- no matter how articulate, deep, revelatory or impactful- has the capacity to trigger the laughers to laugh, the mockers to mock but perhaps, there might be someone out there to whom the post will speak to and shed light on their way. Perhaps a smile will spread across a tired face as they read my post, maybe, strength to try again may be drawn and who knows, the post may be the trigger to someone to step out and reach for their greatness.

So I decided I will carry on blogging and making a difference in my little corner.

So what then changed when I changed and stepped out of my comfort zone to blog??

Well, amazing opportunities opened for me, some of which are very much at the infancy stage. I have been contacted by stars from every walk of life. I have been blessed to be invited to participate in similar projects like mine which aims to improve the sexual wellbeing of all women and black women in particular. I have been invited to a TV show, a radio show, had my articles in several magazines and newspapers and so on. It seems impossible that so much could happen in such a short time.

All because I changed.

I hope to continue to ‘change’ because it seems awesome things happen when I do and I LIKE AWESOME!!

So over to you, what changes do you have to make to get into your awesomeness??

Six Crucial Steps to take if your Spouse is feeling DOWN

Rose had had a lovely time with her husband Eji yesterday. They’d visited old friends, Uche and Mandy, and been out for a meal with them. They’d all laughed a lot and
the Chinese restaurant served good food that wasn’t too expensive.
At home later that night, it seemed a natural progression to have a steamy session in bed.
To Rose’s surprise, Eji was moody the following morning. He gave a curt ‘hmm’ to her good morning and didn’t look up from his computer. He said he didn’t want breakfast when she and the children were eating but she later saw him toasting bread before he left for work.

“What is wrong?” she wondered, marvelling at the change from the attentive man of last night.
“What have I done wrong?” she found herself worrying as she went over the events of the past few hours.

She hated it when Eji got into a mood like this. It affected her own mood negatively. She snapped at her sons when they asked her for lunch money

“You eat too much!” She said as she bundled the surprised children into the car for school. She was quiet as she drove, her mind racing as she wondered what had changed between last night and this morning.

“Mummy are you alright?” Asked Ike the youngest with a frown on his face. She was too preoccupied to answer him.
“‘Mum!”
“What is it? I hope you haven’t forgotten your homework. I can tell you right now that I am not driving back home if you have. I keep telling you to check your things before you leave the house,” she snapped.

She glanced sideways at him, saw the hurt on his face and realised he was about to burst into tears.
“I’m sorry, love… What were you going to say?’
“Forget it!” Ike replied.
“Well done, Mum!” Uzo chided her.

Rose drove wearily home after dropping them off. Her feet seemed so heavy and all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry.

Many people in intimate relationships do not realise how powerfully their behaviour can impact their partner. There are days when we don’t understand our spouses, when their behaviour seems incongruent and unreasonable. It can easily ruin the whole day, week or even months. If allowed to deteriorate, a mood can be the first step on the road to divorce.
What can we do at such times?Spouse, depressed

There are six steps we must take when we realise our spouse is behaving strangely especially when it’s not clear what the cause may be.
If there is an obvious cause, then that’s easy!

  1. Be strong. This is very important. Decide to be strong no matter what. When your spouse is behaving like a spoilt child, the last thing he needs is for you to become another spoilt child! Being strong doesn’t mean that you ignore him. It means that you protect your own heart and mood so they don’t go downhill just because he is acting oddly. Don’t let his mood affect you. The situation doesn’t need more gloom, it needs sunshine! So keep your chin up and go about your business with a cheerful heart. Don’t get into self-pity. And definitely don’t attack your spouse verbally. Responses like these will just cause him to withdraw further. Your spouse needs you to take care of yourself when he feels unable to do so. If you remain strong and take care of you, then you can take care of him.

  2. Unlimited Sex. Sex is comforting for many men. It relaxes, de-stresses and heals. A man can regress when he is going through challenges. So, just like a hurt child finds solace in his mum’s arms or reaches for her doll, so sex can act as a comforter for some men. Being able to come to you for a de-stress session is so vital! Many women get it wrong here. They think “He’s been moody and hasn’t done anything for me all day so he ain’t getting anything from me.” WRONG! This is his way of making contact and communicating – that’s just the way men are wired. Receive him and give him the best sex you can. Don’t use that time to tell him what an idiot he has been or you will just send him back into his shell. Let him know you are there for him.

3. Pray for him. Do you have any faith? Pray for your man when he is going through challenges. Prayer is calling on the highest power to intervene. It’s saying “I need help to handle this situation!” Pray with a heart full of love as though you were going through the same challenge as he is – because you are! After all you two are one now. What affects him, will affect you. Don’t pray in anger: “God please help this stupid man to realise how stupid he is being!” Or selfishly “God please help him see how miserable he is making me!”

spouse, depressedPray for strength, encouragement, ideas and hope to fill your man’s life and lift him out of his depressed state.

4. Keep the communication channels open. This is very important. If you get upset with his behaviour and close all communication, how will he find his way back? His return is very much dependent on you continuing to shine light upon the path so he can see his way back to you. When he is not behaving right, the best way to keep communications open is to do what I call ‘loving from a distance’. Say he’s buried himself in the computer or his papers and is not communicating as usual. Don’t pushing yourself in front of him demanding “Look at me!” or “Hug me!” or “What’s wrong with you?” – all of which may escalate your frustration, or make you feel humiliated or angry if he does not co-operate… Instead of that, approach him like a queen, plant a kiss on his forehead and say something affectionate like “I love you”, making sure that you smell of nice perfume. Then walk away. You can send him a simple text with words of encouragement. With these activities, you are saying “I can see you are not in the mood. That’s ok! I am giving you space to sort yourself out. When you are ready, know that I will be here ready to have you back, my love.”

5. Channel negative energy into something positive. Avoid a pity-party! “Oh poor me! I feel depressed, I am unhappy…”

spouse, depressedNone of that does you any good! It saps your strength and clouds your judgement. Foolish women in moments of despair have gone on rampage, destroying their home or spouse’s car in a bid to get his attention. I counsel you instead to channel all that negative energy into doing something worthwhile. Write a poem or even a chapter in that book you’ve been planning to publish. How about a thorough house cleaning? A visit to someone less fortunate than yourself? Taking the children out for some fun and so on. Doing something positive motivates you to stay strong and all that positive energy radiating from you can spill over to your spouse and lift his mood.

6. Don’t grovel! Grovel means ‘to act in a servile way, showing exaggerated and false respect in order to please somebody or out of fear.’ Don’t start crying in front of your spouse and asking “what have I done? Whatever it is, please forgive me…” with crocodile tears all over the place. This is very irritating as many times the issue has nothing to do with you and you moaning and wailing like a fool does not help the matter. Maintain your dignity and self-respect. If you have caused offence, by all means, apologise sincerely and immediately. But if you haven’t, don’t grovel. This is simply channelling energy in a negative direction. It is self-pity in disguise. And when your grovelling is ignored by your spouse, it leaves you feeling weak, defeated and hopeless. spouse, depressedMany women stop pleading at that stage and resort to shouting, name-calling and verbal abuse because they haven’t learned to rule their own emotions. Why should they demand that their husbands must be able to do what they cannot!?!
We all have a responsibility in a relationship to put in our best efforts. So go for it and watch your relationship blossom with sweetness.

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Till next time,

Sexual Wellbeing Network.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Sexual Wellbeing Network

Sexual Wellbeing Network

Which would you rather have?

.Someone who is patient with you, who sees all your faults and yet loves you?

.Someone who is full of kind words and actions for you?

.Someone who bombards you with flowers and chocolates yet is impatient, easy to offend, quick to give a slap and never has a kind word for you?

We know which we prefer 😀

Flowers and Chocolate can never take the place of patience and kindness towards the object of one’s love.

Give me patience and kindness and don’t forget the flowers and chocolate as well :))

Have a lovely Valentine’s Day!

Sex in the New Year

What would your life look like if you aimed at higher goals?
What amazing feats would you amaze the world with if you dared to get on the dance floor?
Sometimes one comes across a word or has an encounter that completely revolutionises one’s life. Jessie Rittenhouse’s lovely poem “My Wage” below did it for me. I have posted it here for your pleasure.
As we get into the new year, what changes are you going to make in your sexual habits??

Sexual Wellbeing Network

Sexual Wellbeing Network

Ladies, it all starts with realising that you are of great worth and deserving of love and respect!

You are not a manikin to be poked and prodded at.
You are not a punch bag to be abused with blows both verbal and physical.

Young girls, standing at street corners or hiding in dirty shop rooms and allowing anyone to put their dirty fingers up your precious bits or fondle your breasts is not the way to go – you deserve more than that!

Young men, the time for ‘bang, bang, and bye’ has passed -treat girls with respect! Learn chivalry- its a good thing!

Sexual Wellbeing Network

Sexual Wellbeing Network

Spouses, selfless love is the new cool!
There’s no greater turn-on for a lady than to be treated with tenderness and care.
Ladies, praise your man! See him with the eyes of what he could become and not what he is now and he will become what you desire.

Let the lovely poem below energise you to reach for the best life can offer. Meditate on the last verse especially and watch your greatness unfold!

My Wage.

I bargained with Life for a penny and life would pay no more. However I begged at evening when I counted my scanty store.

For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.

I worked for a menial’s hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have paid.

 Jessie B. Rittenhouse (1869 – 1948)

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Have a love filled New Year! -SWN