Download our e-Book ”Understanding Contraception” and learn why its an Amazon Bestseller!! Start reading in seconds!!
Women experience very challenging circumstances and it’s always a pleasure to meet someone who says, “It was tough but I survived!”
I met one of such amazing women and she wanted me to share her story to encourage other women who feel unsupported by their partners when they are pregnant. This is her story in her own words.
Hubby was so happy when I told him we were pregnant. So many issues were going on at that time but he said, we keep this child, we might not be able to afford it, but we are having this baby.
“I can’t wait to tell my mum, I hope it is a boy,” he said.
I said “ I hope the child is healthy.”
“So you are pregnant, how many times did we sleep together? You did not consult me before you got pregnant. I am not ready for another child. We should have planned conception, so it can be a boy. I don’t even want to know anything about this child – You better do something about it.”
Luckily for me my mother in law was on my side on this one.
She said “don’t worry, You’re having this baby for me.”
I was four months gone, having periods and all, when I found out I was pregnant. I had removed the coil because I was so ill with it and it affected my blood pressure. Also, my husband and I did not have sex that often, so I could not really be bothered.
We went down the same old route of “the pregnancy is not mine, you better go and find the owner of the pregnancy or get rid of it. I will have nothing to do with you or the child. You have just denied the girls of their father.”
And this time the man moved out of our bedroom, started an affair that lasted four years. I would hear him speaking to this woman in the middle of the night. He spent days away from home.
As if that was not enough, I was subjected to having a scan to find out the sex of the baby at seven months of pregnancy. Plus when my in-laws arrived on holiday and saw me pregnant and they could sense the tension in the home, they called a meeting.
Their son said he was not ready for another child. Every time I slept with him, I got pregnant.
My father in law said these piercing words “What is the matter?” Why are you having children like an illiterate? Don’t think that the number of children you have, will stop my son from going outside.”
Wow – such damaging and piercing words!
I got up from that conversation and never took my problems to my parents-in – law after that statement.
As soon as a I had my third child, I asked my doctors to have my tubes tied. They were not willing but I insisted.
Four years later he moved out, just before I received diagnosis for breast cancer tests. Two years later he filed for divorce.
I hold no grudges. I learnt a big lesson. Today I hold my head up high, to the glory of God my children are now more independent. I am better. If I had to do it again, I would but I am happy I did not succumb to the pressure to terminate any of the pregnancies. I hope my story helps others.
Robert Gordon University (RGU) recently hosted a conference to highlight sexual health amongst the Afro-Caribbean diaspora. Several delegates attended the free event at the university’s Riverside East building on Saturday, April 19.
Sponsored by NHS Grampian Sexual Health and Blood Borne Virus MCN and African Health Project Waverley Care, the conference boasted an impressive line-up of keynote speakers.
Conference convener Dr Adaeze Ifezulike is GP Clinical Lead for Sexual health and Blood borne Viruses in NHS Grampian and author of the Amazon Bestseller book “Understanding Contraception.” She said: “The Afro-Caribbean community make an invaluable contribution to the energy sector, NHS, educational sector and indeed all areas of UK business and yet continues to lag behind in sexual health issues with high abortion rates as well as HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis B infections. “This is completely unacceptable and one of our objectives at this conference was to mobilise both the healthcare and Afro-Caribbean communities to take steps to improve our sexual wellbeing.”
Dr Winifred Eboh, a senior lecturer at Robert Gordon University, helped to organise the event and gave her own presentation entitled: “Cultural misconceptions that affect sexual behaviour and risk taking.” Dr Eboh said: “We’re very proud to have hosted the conference here at RGU and add our support to this cause. We have received great feedback from delegates who said they found it interesting and informative, and enjoyed the interactive nature of the event which allowed detailed discussions. “Sexual health and wellbeing amongst the Afro-Caribbean diaspora is a very important topic and we hope the event has helped to raise awareness of the work being done to address a number of issues in this area.”
Other speakers on the day included Dr Emmanuel Okpo, Consultant Public Health Physician at NHS Grampian, Dr Daniella Brawley, Consultant in Sexual Health at NHS Grampian and Katai Kasengele from Waverley Care. Dr Okpo reviewed the state of sexual health (unplanned pregnancy / abortion / HIV and Hepatitis B/C) in the black community in the UK and Dr Brawley’s presentation helped to put the side effects of contraception into perspective with the treatment of blood borne viruses. Katai Kasengele showcased the work of African health projects and support available for Africans living with HIV.
Download Dr Adaeze’s free guide to Outstanding Sexual Intimacy here.
A warm invitation to all Afro-Carribeans in UK and abroad to attend a health summit – the first of its kind. It will be a great educational event for all attendees. For Healthcare professionals, this will count towards your Continuous Professional Development (CPD).
Its Easter weekend so what better time than this to visit lovely Aberdeen and be a part of this great event!
Its one of those issues that confront women at one time of their lives or another. It just wont go away! Atleast not while sex continues 😉
Many ignore it at their peril. Others barely tolerate it as a necessary evil.
Where do you stand?
Consider my discussion with Amina below (name changed to protect patient’s confidentiality).
Amina looked at me, her eyes filled with tears.
“I need your help, doctor, I’m pregnant again.” She paused as though the fact still amazed her, as if she was hearing the news for the first time.
I waited patiently as she fought with her emotions. When she started to speak again, the words tumbled out of her in a rush.
“It’s my fifth pregnancy, doctor… we had planned to stop… we really can’t afford another baby… I don’t have a job and my husband’s company is making people redundant so we are not sure of his job either…”
She grabbed the tissue I held out to her and dashed it to her eyes.
“I feel terrible. I had an abortion just four months ago.
“It’s… We… I just can’t have another baby.” The tears overflowed again.
When the storm had calmed, I gently enquired what contraception she was using.
“We use condoms… Sometimes.”
“At other times?”
And then: “Nothing,” she confessed.
“I just didn’t think it would happen again so soon, doctor.”
The statistics speak for themselves!
Consider the fact that in 2012, in England and Wales, 49% of black women having an abortion had a previous abortion. This is well above the national recurrent abortion average of 36%.
Black women are ignoring contraception with resulting serious consequences. Unplanned pregnancies, soaring abortion rates, HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis and other sexually transmitted infections continue to rule the day.
We must stop and take stock of where we are, Black sisters. Together let’s explore our issues and begin to make changes that will bear fruit.
I live in UK so as expected, my findings on abortion in black women are based on UK figures. But this news was a confirmation to me that abortion rates are high among black women even in the US!
Consider the news below:
“Data from the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene reveals that black women had more abortions than live births in 2012.
In a report titled “Summary of Vital Statistics 2012, The City of New York,” black women not only had the highest rate of abortions but they also topped the chart with the highest number of pregnancies and miscarriages as well, surpassing all other racial groups.
As far as pregnancy terminations, black children who were aborted comprised 42.4 percent of the total number of abortions in New York City. In 2012, out of 73,815 abortions in the city, 31,328 black babies were aborted.
Not all survivors of sexual abuse show their emotions outwardly. On the one hand, some may appear calm and unaffected by the assault; on the other hand, some survivors become hyper-sexual or promiscuous following sexual attacks—sometimes as a way to reassert a measure of control over their sexual relations (I think this is more me).
To all including men,(yes men are victims as well) who have been victims, know that your silence only cripples you but your voice will make you victorious. Despite all these years, I am still trying to overcome and be victorious, some days are good some are bad, but I believe I am a survivor.
Fast forward to the year 2002 – I was lying in bed nursing my newborn baby, I had a phone call, my husband passed me the phone someone called Chidi wanted to speak to me, as I picked up the phone and said hello, how could I not recognise that voice? It was the voice of “aunty” (our nanny), I asked how she got my number and she told me “daddy” had given it to her, she had heard I had had a baby and wanted to come and visit me, without thinking or rather more out of curiosity I gave her the address, two days later she turned up with her husband and a mountain of gifts, I welcomed her into my house and she carried my baby, I asked her about her own kids and she looked up and told me God had not blessed her with any, despite being married for over 20 years (which means she had not had any kids).
Have you ever heard the word SCHADENFREUDE? It means – Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. I rest my case.
If you are struggling with guilt concerning an abortion, please seek counselling today! You need to forgive yourself and move on. Our past experiences should not be allowed to destroy our future joys. But please take steps to ensure the past does not repeat itself.
”It’s a woman’s job, isnt it?” Baako shrugged.
”What makes it a woman’s job to provide contraception?” I was curious.
”Ask him, please!!” Amina said irritated.
”I will wear it if it’s available but don’t expect me to go into a shop to buy condoms.”
”Really! How do you think I look when I go to ask for condoms? What do you think the shopkeeper is thinking of this woman who has not only bought some spinach but also a box of condoms?? Eh?”
”That you have sex…” Baako teased.
Amina shook her head in despair.
”Well, the surgery has some free condoms in the toilet if you want to pick up some on your way out,” I offered, smiling.
Should you feel awkward when you go into a store to buy condoms?
Does your doctor’s clinic stock free condoms? Should they?